It's an eye opener for sure...

I just signed the third lease on my apartment. That means that I am starting the 3rd year of living on my own. Without a significant other. I extended my lease to end in January of 2018.  Not any longer. Not another full year. Things are changing.  

My soon to be ex-husband and I tried to work it out for a bit but that wasn't going to happen. It wasn't an effort either of us felt the need to give.  And in all reality, it was more like we were pushed together (due to shitty life happenings) and we didn't really decide to try and make it work. It was forced upon us. So now mediation is upon us. Everything will hopefully be simple. Hopefully. 

Another significant other? Oh hell no. 

I have tried my luck on dating apps. I evidently have no luck with dating apps. I have met some shitty people. You know those kind that say they want something when all they want is to get something. There were those who said they were single, yet were not. There were those who I talked to for several months without meeting because I was afraid they were just like the others. That one swore up and down that he wasn't and he was different. He wasn't. He was just like everyone other one I had met. Fall off the face of the earth like a child because you can't be an adult and end things. 

I am now focusing on me...again. 

But for some reason I feel like something is missing when I close the dating apps. Even if I am not talking to someone or looking for someone...I wonder if that possibility is there but I will miss it if I am not on the stupid apps. 

I blame this on being a hopeless romantic. 

Thinking there is truly is someone out there that I will be number one on their list. I will be heir first thought when they waken up and last thought when they fall asleep. And that they will be my first and last thought as well. 

I was that for someone at one point. I thought. Maybe I truly never was. It seems like, the more I think about things, we were probably doomed from almost the beginning. Things that were done and said. Wanting so badly, both of us, to find that "soul mate" everyone dreams of finding. Thanks a lot Hollywood. 

I have since realized that a soulmate is a fictitious being. People are not truly made for one another. You may find someone who works with you because you have opposite problems or issues in life. So where you are weak then they are strong and the opposite. 

But a soulmate?  No. 

So what is eye opening? 

When you realize that you are not at the top of anyone's list. Not just a significant other. But not a friend. Not even a family member. It really puts everything into perspective.  If I am not at the top of anyone's list, or within the top five even, then why am I waiting?

Why am I waiting to live my life the way I want to live it?

Who am I even waiting on?

Me. I am waiting on me. So here we go. 

I am working on every bit of my life...the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

Physical health - check. 

Mental health - check. 

Emotional health - check. 

I have a plan. It is being set in motion and this plan is solely to make me happy. Not anyone else. 

There are 7.5 months to get ready.