March 22nd
I am currently sitting on a plane heading back to Oklahoma from a week in London. My first trip overseas. Ever. And sure to not be the last.
This all started with attempting to recreate a honeymoon. A honeymoon that J and I never had...that we were going to take together.
I had a number of things planned. A trip to help us start all over. Within the, just under, 2 years that this was being planned we determined that we would be better not being together. One of the hardest decisions either of us has ever made.
We had turned into friends. Roommates. Sometimes. It even friends...sad to say.
In the last two years so much has happened. So many things that I needed to happen and a number of things that I wish had never happened.
Communication was always the problem with J and I. I decided that wouldn't be a problem anymore. Not for me. Not for the future.
I have met a number of people that my life could have been much better without.
The guy who read my profile on OKcupid and told me everything I wanted to hear. Just for sex. Why did I even give him a second thought. Why was he stuck in my head for days and even weeks. Sickening. Makes me sick to my stomach and angry at myself. Not him. Not the situation. Mad at myself.
There was the guy who, it seemed, that we hit it off well. But he then moved to San Antonio. Still not sure if that was actually true or not. I attempted to contact him...with no response.
There was the guy who was older than me and that date seemed to go really well. And then never heard from him again after lunch and an afternoon with a couple of drinks. I went off to a derby bout and never heard from him again. I attempted to contact him...with no response.
Many one dates. Sometimes I would not contact them again, but UNFORTUNATELY most of them not contacting me again. One date. That's it. Always wondering what is wrong with me? What have I done? What did I do? What was this big turnoff that occurred between them seeing my pictures and is chatting and hitting it off to meeting and then nothing. Silence.
There was one recently that was a type of relationship. Not sure what type. More than friends but less than dating. Something along those lines. We talked and knew where each other stood. Not wanting to jump into anything serious. Both of us wanted something super slow and didn't want to push anything. He would come over and hang out. I went to his house once and hung out. Once he came over and we watched movies, had amazing sex (as usual), and then he stayed all day into the early morning of the following day. It was nice. Nothing was expected. Just two people getting to know each other better, while meeting each other's needs sexually...which amazingly enough, we were into the same thing. Mostly.
This individual and I talked months before meeting. I was so afraid of not living up to what he had labeled me to be. So afraid of being completely rejected again. We talked before I started talking to 1-night stand guy. We talked through few months and he had explained to me his past relationship. Why he was so hesitant. His battle with PTSD regarding his past relationship. It didn't scare me away. I knew that we both wanted to go very slow and it fit the situation. Almost a necessity to move slow due to his past.
He always told me that he was upset with the fact that it took me so long to give him a chance. I tried to explain that it took me awhile to agree to meet because I kept being rejected and I really felt he would do the same. He said over and over that he was t like other guys.
He liked that I checked up on him and asked if he was doing okay. PROBLEM: never did he ask how I was doing. (Red flag?)
He freaked out and completely retreated after we hung out for around 24 hours I didn't hear from him for almost two weeks. PROBLEM: why fall off the face of the earth without any explanation...knowing that is a huge problem with others. Why lie and say you aren't like others when you are tho?
Then it started to turn into FWB.
At first I didn't notice.
We would talk, me always initiating the conversation. Then I decided that I would not be initiating a conversation with him, to see how long it would take for him to contact me.
About two weeks.
That's how long it took him to contact me. And when he did, he wanted something. When I would contact him, after seeing how long it would take for him to contact me, then he would be too busy or something was going on and it was never when I was wanting to see him.
Once I realized what was happening, the last three conversations had been no talking between us at all and then a message out of the blue from him. When I told him that I was not looking for a FWB and I thought we were on the same page as seeing what, if anything, was there between us and that we were going slow. And if all he was wanting as a FWB then it wasn't me. Then I asked what he wanted. No response for almost 24 hours. I had pretty much written him off at this point. He then replied with "I am not ignoring you. I am wanting to talk about this with my therapist." Cool. I have no problem with someone going to therapy. Then I tried a conversation with him and all he really has to at was "I have never had a friend." And "I don't know how to be a friend to anyone." And "I have never had anyone I could count on." I told i "best place to start on learning how to be a friend is starting with what you personally want in a friend." It was a "I just want to complain and not looking for a way to fix it" moment. Which we all have...whether or not we like to admit is another story. And then that was it. No more conversation.
I was so furious.
But not furious at him.
Furious at myself.
Why? Because I had opened up sexually to this individual more than I had ever to anyone else. I felt embarrassed. I felt like a fool. I felt like I should have known better. I felt like I should not have trusted him...or anyone. Not with my sexual secrets. Not with my personal desires.
This happened just over a month ago and I still feel so embarrassed and like a fool.
I decided that this trip to London, which ended up as a girls trip with J-Gore, was going to be me resetting my life for me.
I have 4 rowing spots left at UrbanRow.
I have signed up for my two free sessions at Orange Theory...hoping that I fall in love with it.
I am looking in to meditation classes.
But as we fly home...reality is setting in. I was just away from my problems for a week. Away from emotional stresses for a week. Away from boys and drama for a week.
Now....it is back to reality. It is back to me trying to really, truly, honestly just focus on myself.
Realizing how alone I feel....I know that I need this. I know that I need to refocus. I need to only focus on me. If something is meant to happen then it will.
Why is that so hard to just go with?
Why is this guy still on my mind? Even after finding him on a different dating site. Not man enough to explain himself or his thoughts...but "man enough" to get on another dating site. A different one than he was on. Did he really have these issues he said he did? Or is this just what he does?
And why can't JUST ONE MALE stand up and say "I am not interested" or something not just fall off the face of the earth like a dick.
And if a woman asks what it was...immediately labeled as crazy. Immediately.
There is no right...only wrong.
I really need to focus on my physical,mental, and emotional well being. I just don't think it is going to be anywhere near easy.
Nowhere near tolerable.
It's going to be hard as hell. It's going to suck until I really honestly truly learn how to be happy with myself and love myself.
That day seems like it is probably so so so far away.
I am currently sitting on a plane heading back to Oklahoma from a week in London. My first trip overseas. Ever. And sure to not be the last.
This all started with attempting to recreate a honeymoon. A honeymoon that J and I never had...that we were going to take together.
I had a number of things planned. A trip to help us start all over. Within the, just under, 2 years that this was being planned we determined that we would be better not being together. One of the hardest decisions either of us has ever made.
We had turned into friends. Roommates. Sometimes. It even friends...sad to say.
In the last two years so much has happened. So many things that I needed to happen and a number of things that I wish had never happened.
Communication was always the problem with J and I. I decided that wouldn't be a problem anymore. Not for me. Not for the future.
I have met a number of people that my life could have been much better without.
The guy who read my profile on OKcupid and told me everything I wanted to hear. Just for sex. Why did I even give him a second thought. Why was he stuck in my head for days and even weeks. Sickening. Makes me sick to my stomach and angry at myself. Not him. Not the situation. Mad at myself.
There was the guy who, it seemed, that we hit it off well. But he then moved to San Antonio. Still not sure if that was actually true or not. I attempted to contact him...with no response.
There was the guy who was older than me and that date seemed to go really well. And then never heard from him again after lunch and an afternoon with a couple of drinks. I went off to a derby bout and never heard from him again. I attempted to contact him...with no response.
Many one dates. Sometimes I would not contact them again, but UNFORTUNATELY most of them not contacting me again. One date. That's it. Always wondering what is wrong with me? What have I done? What did I do? What was this big turnoff that occurred between them seeing my pictures and is chatting and hitting it off to meeting and then nothing. Silence.
There was one recently that was a type of relationship. Not sure what type. More than friends but less than dating. Something along those lines. We talked and knew where each other stood. Not wanting to jump into anything serious. Both of us wanted something super slow and didn't want to push anything. He would come over and hang out. I went to his house once and hung out. Once he came over and we watched movies, had amazing sex (as usual), and then he stayed all day into the early morning of the following day. It was nice. Nothing was expected. Just two people getting to know each other better, while meeting each other's needs sexually...which amazingly enough, we were into the same thing. Mostly.
This individual and I talked months before meeting. I was so afraid of not living up to what he had labeled me to be. So afraid of being completely rejected again. We talked before I started talking to 1-night stand guy. We talked through few months and he had explained to me his past relationship. Why he was so hesitant. His battle with PTSD regarding his past relationship. It didn't scare me away. I knew that we both wanted to go very slow and it fit the situation. Almost a necessity to move slow due to his past.
He always told me that he was upset with the fact that it took me so long to give him a chance. I tried to explain that it took me awhile to agree to meet because I kept being rejected and I really felt he would do the same. He said over and over that he was t like other guys.
He liked that I checked up on him and asked if he was doing okay. PROBLEM: never did he ask how I was doing. (Red flag?)
He freaked out and completely retreated after we hung out for around 24 hours I didn't hear from him for almost two weeks. PROBLEM: why fall off the face of the earth without any explanation...knowing that is a huge problem with others. Why lie and say you aren't like others when you are tho?
Then it started to turn into FWB.
At first I didn't notice.
We would talk, me always initiating the conversation. Then I decided that I would not be initiating a conversation with him, to see how long it would take for him to contact me.
About two weeks.
That's how long it took him to contact me. And when he did, he wanted something. When I would contact him, after seeing how long it would take for him to contact me, then he would be too busy or something was going on and it was never when I was wanting to see him.
Once I realized what was happening, the last three conversations had been no talking between us at all and then a message out of the blue from him. When I told him that I was not looking for a FWB and I thought we were on the same page as seeing what, if anything, was there between us and that we were going slow. And if all he was wanting as a FWB then it wasn't me. Then I asked what he wanted. No response for almost 24 hours. I had pretty much written him off at this point. He then replied with "I am not ignoring you. I am wanting to talk about this with my therapist." Cool. I have no problem with someone going to therapy. Then I tried a conversation with him and all he really has to at was "I have never had a friend." And "I don't know how to be a friend to anyone." And "I have never had anyone I could count on." I told i "best place to start on learning how to be a friend is starting with what you personally want in a friend." It was a "I just want to complain and not looking for a way to fix it" moment. Which we all have...whether or not we like to admit is another story. And then that was it. No more conversation.
I was so furious.
But not furious at him.
Furious at myself.
Why? Because I had opened up sexually to this individual more than I had ever to anyone else. I felt embarrassed. I felt like a fool. I felt like I should have known better. I felt like I should not have trusted him...or anyone. Not with my sexual secrets. Not with my personal desires.
This happened just over a month ago and I still feel so embarrassed and like a fool.
I decided that this trip to London, which ended up as a girls trip with J-Gore, was going to be me resetting my life for me.
I have 4 rowing spots left at UrbanRow.
I have signed up for my two free sessions at Orange Theory...hoping that I fall in love with it.
I am looking in to meditation classes.
But as we fly home...reality is setting in. I was just away from my problems for a week. Away from emotional stresses for a week. Away from boys and drama for a week.
Now....it is back to reality. It is back to me trying to really, truly, honestly just focus on myself.
Realizing how alone I feel....I know that I need this. I know that I need to refocus. I need to only focus on me. If something is meant to happen then it will.
Why is that so hard to just go with?
Why is this guy still on my mind? Even after finding him on a different dating site. Not man enough to explain himself or his thoughts...but "man enough" to get on another dating site. A different one than he was on. Did he really have these issues he said he did? Or is this just what he does?
And why can't JUST ONE MALE stand up and say "I am not interested" or something not just fall off the face of the earth like a dick.
And if a woman asks what it was...immediately labeled as crazy. Immediately.
There is no right...only wrong.
I really need to focus on my physical,mental, and emotional well being. I just don't think it is going to be anywhere near easy.
Nowhere near tolerable.
It's going to be hard as hell. It's going to suck until I really honestly truly learn how to be happy with myself and love myself.
That day seems like it is probably so so so far away.
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